Can’t you see I’m trying?

 

(Tw: Mentions of depression, s**cide, and anxiety, if you feel triggered or uncomfortable please click off this post)

I remember just running around the court with my classmates playing touch the body, I remember fooling around with my friends and chasing them around school grounds, I remember just having fun in school events, I remember doing group projects and group performances, I remember going out with my friends afterschool to eat fishball or kwek-kwek, I remember staying infront of the library to talk about everyday stuff while eating ice-cream, I remember sitting around the classroom during recess and talking to my classmates, I remember being teased about my crush and my classmates trying to get us together. There are so many memories I cannot forget, so many lessons, many fun times.Yes, there are hard times but I could easily overcome them with support from friends and teachers. Do you remember those times when you were just in school messing around? Those were the good times, but now due to the COVID-19 pandemic all schools are being shut-down and instead opting for online learning. As another year of COVID goes on, many children are using online learning, losing educational opportunities and opportunities to live their school life. This type of learning is hard, for students and teachers.

 

I remember going through school gates and rushing to go greet my friends or rushing to get to the flag ceremony in time, joking with your teachers while we do our lessons, me and my seatmate trying to sneakily eat chocolate while our lessons are going on, being class being excused due to school events, eating out during lunch, hanging out afterschool while eating ice cream from nearby stores. But now I’m just sitting here, infront of my laptop with nothing but my thoughts engulfing me. When I was in school I had an easy time with learning lessons, the tests still freaked me out but I still managed to pass it, I had fun learning. Now, I just type endlessly on my laptop, just me, no laughter of my friends, no voices of my teachers, no talking with my classmates, just me, all alone in my room. All those memories of fun, keeps replaying in my mind, reminding me that, the case right now, isn’t like that, I have a hardrtime understanding and learning the lessons, I couldn’t take the workload placed on us. Sleeping the late night and waking up early to finish all my task, I got sick multiple times due to rest, I developed depression, I even tried taking my life once, I was so stressed, I felt worthless, I was nothing, I felt I couldn’t handle the workload, I had multiple panic attacks, multiple suicide thoughts. Not only that but the Wi-Fi wouldn’t work and I wasn’t able to pass my modular activities on time, it’s not only the students too, teachers are also having trouble with the type of learning, not being familiar with technology, not being able to afford the needed materials, or more workload. The PSA said suicide had a 57% increase rate in 2020 compared to the previous years. Although because of this pandemic brought me to discover myself and improve on things, despite that this pandemic brought us a lot of pain and suffering, people dying because of COVID, people losing their jobs, people being paranoid etc. This kind of learning sucks, many people have disadvantages, like money or unable to get the proper help, and example of this is the online kopyahan, have you ever stop to think that maybe students aren’t being lazy, but instead they cannot find someone to help them with their lessons?

 

Everything is a hellish nightmare, I just want things to go back to normal, those times hwere we won’t live in paranoia, people not worrying for their lives, I wanna go back to when I just hang out with my friends and classmates. This type of learning is hard for everyone, people not being able to follow lessons and some teachers not skilled enough to navigate technology, and intense workload on both sides. I just wanna laugh with my friends again, play games with my classmates and other schoolmates in the court, but all I do now is sit here, type, and learn and Im struggling with it, can’t you see I’m trying?

 

References:

“Filipino children continue missing education opportunities in another year of school closure” Retrieved September 29, 2021 https://www.unicef.org/philippines/press-releases/filipino-children-continue-missing-education-opportunities-another-year-school

“Pandemic year sees 57% rise in suicide rate in Philippines” Retrieved September 29,2021 https://www.philstar.com/headlines/2021/07/06/2110596/pandemic-year-sees-57-rise-suicide-rate-philippines

 "What Asian and Pacific Countries Can Teach the World About How to—and How Not to—Reopen Our Economies" Retrieved September 29,2021 https://time.com/5829383/asia-reopening-coronavirus/

"Safe Schools During the COVID-19 Pandemic" Retrieved September 29, 2021 https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/COVID-19/Pages/Return-to-School-During-COVID-19.aspx